Tiger's Got WoodFavorites [+]
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When you work in an industry long enough, you begin to pick up a few things. You learn what you can get away with and what you can't. You learn who you can trust and who constantly mans the crank at the rumor mill. You learn hotspots for lunch, how to sneak in an extra smoke break and you learn all kinds of new lingo.
From the vantage point of a writer, learning the lingo is the most fun. It's like learning an entire new language. And when that language has to do with fucking, it's even better. Once you've mastered it you can be a total gutter mouth in the presence of friends and family and they haven't the foggiest idea what you're talking about. It's like listening to your grandparents quibble in German; you have no idea what they're saying. Someone probably overcooked the hauptgericht, but you just can't prove it.
All that said, you're going to learn a little insider's lingo today. That's because "Tiger's Got Wood," released by ZBVentures, falls perfectly into a little thing we in the industry like to call "piling on." It's no secret Tiger has had some close encounters of the penetration kind lately and the fact that it was with someone(s) other than his betrothed makes him a scalawag, though calling him biologically and anthropologically fit sounds much nicer. Anyway, it's the right, no, the duty of the media to drag the icon through the muck, especially after propping him up as Dudley Do-Right for all these years, and even more especially after word leaked that he had duped us all while bounding around the golf course with a false sense of wholesomeness. What the media giveth, the media teareth down.
TGW is a film that hypothesizes what some of Tiger's indiscretions would have looked like had they been captured on film. It lampoons his 2am accident, his cell phone messages and manages to use just about every golf term in the book as a euphemism for sex, though "tee box" is conspicuously absent. Surrounding the fuck action are a series of interminable breaking news reports, which provide some comic relief and mindless banter akin to what you'd witness from Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons on "Family Guy." The news updates keep breaking into the show "Dancing with the Pornstars" as kind of a running gag.
In the first scene, we catch a glimpse of Tiger (Johnny Slim) giving Raquel Youcantell (India Summer) some golf tips as she needs help with her swinging. The two go at it on the practice green, which could be taken as a subtle joke, though it's hard to say if the makers intended it to be so. Summer goes to her knees and blows his adulterous cock, then drops her skirt to reveal the absence of panties. After she rides his driver, he wedges his cock between her pussy lips, though her moisture build-up proves to be lubrication enough to slide up and down with little resistance. He bangs her in mish, taking a moment to slap her pussy with his johnson. Summer cums, watering the green so it doesn't dry out. Next, they fuck in doggie, Slim spurting his wad onto her sun-soaked ass. "Slazenger? I hardly know her."
In the next scene, Tiger hooks up with blonde hottie Heidi Mayne and brunette tramp Ryder Skye for some nighttime nookie out of doors. Where they are is hard to pinpoint, though it looks much like the typical waterfall hole at the local miniature golf course. The two women simultaneously suck his licorice stick and then provide prime viewing of their tramp stamps when Heidi sits on Slim's face and Ryder rides him. There is a tight penetration shot as Tiger fucks Heidi's shaved pussy and a wider shot that shows Ryder fingering herself from a rocky outcrop. This scene has some nice shadows and light and reflections off the water, which accentuate the girls' beautiful tits. Their faces also get accentuated with cum when they both take facial blasts from the golf guru.
In another scene Tiger brings Krissy Lynn into the men's room to fuck her. She is a clubhouse caddy, and is afraid of losing her job. Tiger reassures her that his status at the club will get them out of any potential jam. It seems, however, that Krissy's big, ripe tits and sexy ass are just the things to keep her employed wherever she wants. She slinks out of her orange top, white skirt and red g-string panties. Her full figure somehow is able to balance itself on the locker room bench. Her legs, like his golf tournaments, are open and he barely whisks his tongue across her pretty folds before she is dripping wet. Her tits look heavenly from the side angle as he pops out his cock and encourages Krissy to jack it and suck it. He fucks her from the back where you get a good shot of her tits dangling off her chest. Next, she flips over into mish and he pokes her pussy divot to orgasm, finishing with a cumshot of his own right onto her shaved slit and abdomen.
In addition to those scenes, there are a few others, including Madelyn Marie and Jazy Berlin as warring waitresses who both want to serve Tiger at the bar. Instead, they end up serving themselves when he steps out to use the little philanderer's room. There is some glass dildo action and some excellent shots of Jazy's oh-so-hot ass and pint-sized slit. Also, Diana Doll plays Tiger's much better half Elin, who decides to install cameras at the couple's home. She figures if she catches him in the act, she can post it to the internet for all to see. She also figures that if Tiger can have his fun she can too, which she does with system installer Evan Stone. Doll's European accent is very hot, though you don't hear too much of it in this scene. But, that's mostly on account of the fact she's fucking and sucking Stone's huge cock through much of it. You'll enjoy the beads of pussy juice rolling down her ass crack and bypassing her asshole on their way to the granite counter tops. You'll also dig her silken body as she sits atop the kitchen island grinding on his cock. Come to think of it, you'll also swoon as she drops to her knees and takes a hefty shot of sperm onto and between her tits. What she fails to understand until it's too late is that the cameras had already been installed, putting her revenge fuck out for the world to see. Oops. Finally, you'll get to see Richelle Ryan have a turn with Tiger. She is a reporter who gets to interview him, but gets caught up in the story more than she should. Her huge tits envelop his cock completely and she smothers his face in 69 with her booty-ful ass cheeks. That is followed with a powerful cumshot onto her tits and chest.
TGW is decent. The plot and the non-sex stuff are not great, but the women will make you forget about that in short order. As a spoof it clocks in at roughly 90 minutes or so, which is enough to let you in on the joke, but not drive it into the dirt. Not to get too technical here, but that is what we in the industry like to call: "a good thing."