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A funny thing happened on the way to this movie review. Actually, it's only funny if you find humor in broken down computer software. If that is the case, then go ahead and bust a gut at the thought of a writer trying to solve an IT issue. The truth is nothing happens. It's like watching a corpse do calculus.
Now, if you happen to be the person whose circuits are shorted (take a wild guess) the situation is not at all smirk worthy. Deadlines don't dissipate, bosses don't stop being bossy, and chocolate tastes great with peanut butter. That last item in the list has no bearing on anything, but it did get you to crave a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, which, for at least a brief moment, prevents you from laughing at the thought of this writer trying to solve an IT issue.
So, where does that leave us? Well, the bad news is that three of the five scenes in "Anal Junkies on Cock" remain unwatched. For those of us that were taught to do things the right way or not at all, this is a major problem. Required work can't be left undone, but half-assing it is not an option. The good news is that this review is only two-fifths assed. It's true, you know. Okay, that is not really good news unless we use even more faulty logic to explain it away, which we will do now.
It goes like this: If 100% of the movie is 100% about ass fucking, then two-fifths of the movie is still 100% about ass fucking, which means you lose no ass fucking at all even though you actually lose 60% of the ass fucking. See? Don't you feel better now?
All that aside, let's take a look at what we do know about AJOC, shall we?
It begins with an homage to Law and Order. There is nothing wrong with that, although it soon slips into something much more surreal. If the phrase "I'm a pony. Fuck me!" doesn't sound familiar it will very soon. Not only that, but those words and the image of Diamond Kitty wearing a tight black latex corset and blinders will burn in your mind for a little while…let's say quite possibly forever. All that's missing are some bell bottoms, a stagecoach and a little holiday music and you've got yourself a Budweiser beer commercial. Diamond is looking really hot, though, with a plug in her ass and massive tits that spill over the top of her sexy outfit. The plug has long tassels attached to the handle, which very much resemble a tail. Generally speaking, we know what happens when a pony lifts its tail, but in this case Diamond gets fucked in the pussy. The scene quickly turns into a threeway once a second guy's penis crosses her lips. Once her big tits poke out of her top, she pulls out the black hole-plugger and takes a cock into her ass. Though she gets ass fucked in RCG and mouth fucked, the action stops ever so short of a DP even though the second cock is sitting right at the threshold. What a shame. One of the dudes jacks his cum into her mouth while the other slams her ass from the side in a nice full body shot of her pussy and tits. The second dude also cums onto her face for a rousing start to this film.
In the second scene Ashley Jane and her current beau, Chris, do a true couples scene. They explain how they are regulars on handjob websites, but not so much in this format. Ashley plays the role of a nurse, who admits she is fascinated by assholes. If you didn't already know this was an anally focused porn flick you'd swear she was referring to Jon Gosselin. Fingers, a tongue and a pink butt plug destroy her ass almost immediately. There is also more screaming than an Edvard Munch painting. Chris pops her in the pussy and then gapes her ass with his dick in CG. It culminates in a massive streaming cumshot, one in which ribbons of sperm matriculate single-file down her throat to muffle her incessant whining if only for a brief span.
Other scenes of anal demolition include lovely blonde Riley Evans (check out her awesome DP scene in "Jon and Kate Fuck Eight"), Lisa Ann getting rump roasted by Sean Michaels and Claire Dames getting her ass torn apart by Lexington Steele's destructo-cock. While there is not much more that can be told for now, the first two scenes do set a good precedent for the others. Plus, the sublime Lisa Ann and two of the best black dicks in the biz (Sean Michaels and Lex Steele) perform in subsequent scenes. While nothing is guaranteed, they rarely, if ever, disappoint, so go check it out. This reviewer has to see if he can get his computer working again. Stop laughing.