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Try it sometime. Stroll up to the nearest passer-by and explain to him or her that the porn flick you just watched had no plot. See what kind of reaction you get. My guess is that it will very closely resemble the reaction you had the last time you found out a roadside Stuckey’s restaurant closed its doors: nothing. In other stunning news, water is wet, wrestling is fake, and Maury Povich will conduct a paternity test on his show today. The point is that well-defined plots in adult movies are about as common as a Cubs World Series victory, or a top ten hit from K-Fed.
While it’s no secret that people generally don’t watch porn movies for the character development, is it too much to ask for some kind of set up to launch the ensuing skin trade? It doesn’t have to be much, just something to enhance the fantasy. Recently, Zero Tolerance released the third installment to its Girlvana series. The two-disc set is a star-studded affair that, according to its makers, delves into the age-old question: Which are better: blondes or brunettes? Although the premise presents the opportunity to thoroughly sift through some excellent case studies, the film somehow manages to take puny plot lines to nano-technological levels. Furthermore, redheads are conspicuously left out of consideration. Sure, they tend to be vegan, Bjork-loving, 3rd Rock From the Sun watchers (at least the ones I know), but is that really firm ground for exclusion, I ask you?
Despite its obvious shortcomings, Girlvana 3 will reward your patience with some scintillating girl-on-girl action. Disc one is devoted entirely to blondes and it goes something like this: British bombshell Kelle Marie throws a party at her house one weekend and invites her friends over. For reasons unclear, only the blonde ones show up. Why? Are all her friends blonde? Was Nice n’ Easy on clearance? No one knows and the mind is left to twist in the wind on this one. Regardless, once her pals arrive, (Riley Evans, Puma Swede, Holly Morgan, Lena Nicole, Abbey Brooks, Annette Schwarz, Nikki Benz, and Cassie Young) a spontaneous game of Pin the Snog on Riley begins. “The winner,” proclaims Kelle in her best Austin Powers voice, “gets to shag [Riley’s] brains out.” Oh, don’t behave!
Puma wins the kissing contest and eagerly takes Riley back into the boudoir to have her way. Meanwhile, Nikki, Cassie, and Kelle, the hottest runners-up in the history of Pin the Snog on Riley, engage in an all-girl threesome on the couch. Once finished, the three sofa bangers wonder if the party has dispersed, because the others are nowhere to be found. Quickly, they go in search of their lost friends, and, making their way poolside, the girls soon come across Lena and Holly snogging each other on some concrete steps. Realizing the two spit-swapping stunners want to be left alone, Kelle convinces Abby, Annette, and Puma to come back to her room, promising them an opportunity to try on the trove of panties she keeps stashed in her bureau (clean ones, I presume.) The mere sight of the phrase “Social Butterfly” written across the ass of one pair is just too much to handle for the girls. Annette and Puma start in on each other, with Kelle and Abbey following suit. Soon, the switch is on and Annette and Abbey head off to the bathroom for a tub romp, while Kelle and Puma face fuck themselves into a stupor on the bed. In the final scene of disc one, Lena and Holly decide that the spring-coiled bliss provided by Sealy and Serta is much softer than cement, so they scuttle off to the bedroom for a tongue-flailing love-in.
What Girlvana 3 lacks in plot, it more than makes up for in mucous, and, if hocked up loogies are your thing, well then, you’re in for a treat. A whopping ten saliva bombs saturate their intended targets during the course of action: three ass loogies, four pussy loogies, two loogies fed to a second party, and a brilliant Wonder Twin loogie activated when two tongues combine forces to form one Hiroshima-sized “Little Boy” loogie. This much wayward sputum hasn’t been seen since the by-gone days of the Swan County Tobacco-Spitting Championships or Llama-rama ’79. In all, you get eighteen breasts, nine asses, a “Man Beater” tank top, a tit in the pussy, ass licking, ass smacking, pussy grinding, and a pair of red earrings that resemble a potato masher.
But wait! There’s more. Like most of its porn-based predecessors, Girlvana 3 is an embarrassment of riches when it comes to lamentable quotes. Awards for “Most Regrettable In-the-Moment Shout Out” go to Cassie Young with, “I’m going to attack you for what you did to me,” Nikki Benz for, “You’re almost passed out from all that pussy,” Cassie Young once again for, “It’s like a little swimming pool,” and Annette Schwarz for, “Ride my finger!”
If disc one is a blonde-lovers paradise, disc two resembles the lower plains of hell for those with fawn-haired cravings. In this episode, we find delicious, sexual dilettante Francesca Le throwing a weekend party of her own in a dimly lit, downtown loft condo. Not coincidentally, for similar reasons as explained above, only her brunette buddies (Audrey Bitoni, Zoe Britton, Regan Reese, Rebecca Linares, Stephanie Swift, Amber Rayne, Tory Lane, Franchezca Valentina, and Mikayla.) show up for the extravaganza.
The party gets started with a blistering hot moment between Audrey Bitoni and the absolutely sublime Zoe Britton. After their fingers do the walking all over each other, Francesca does a meet and greet with a pair of glass dildos. Shortly thereafter, Mikayla completes triangulation of the fuck noises she has been hearing and makes it a foursome. Mikayla eventually gets off and then goes off to find Franchezca Valentina, joining Tory Lane and Amber Rain in a separate room. As Tory and Amber begin a vigorous gluteal workout on a nearby bench, Franchezca and Mikayla reinforce their love for women, yet still end up tangling with a lode-bearing pole, albeit a different kind. Amber is soon pulling a switcheroo and pulling Franchezca’s hair at the same time, while Tory and Mikayla enjoy some fine dining by eating out…each other. Once again, Francesca arrives on scene to check up on her guests and provide them with dildos and strap-on party favors. Completely secluded from the hubbub are Regan and Rebecca who claim to be socially conscious, but prove that they are not at all interested in saving the wails. In the last scene, our hostess, having tended to all her guests, flits off into solitude for a delicious finale with Stephanie Swift.
And you thought blondes could expectorate! Wait until you see these lasses! If the blondes are equivalent to Hiroshima-levels of mucosa mega-tonnage, then these phlegm-y femmes are definitely more akin to Nagas-hock-i: Nine ass loogies, twelve pussy loogies, and two friendly fire incidents directly into another girl’s mouth. You get 20 tits, 10 asses, toys, leather, spankings, breast slapping, pussy zerbits, a cargo lift, and a Senor Wences impression in butt form.
Awards for “Most Regrettable In-the-Moment Shout Out” in disc two go to Amber Rayne for, “Gonna get wet for me? Nice and wet and sloppy?” Tory Lane for, “Come on, pussy! Don’t be a pussy-ass! Fuck it!” And multiple awards go to Franchezca Valentina for, “I’ve got four fucking fingers in your gaping asshole,” “I’ve seen a gape better than that,” and, “Can you feel the fucking flood?”
So, which are better: blondes or brunettes? I’m not sure that question will ever be answered, but you’ll certainly enjoy trying to sort out the arguments for either. And after reach your decision, run on down to the closest Stuckey’s and grab a Stuckeyburger with cheese. You deserve it. In fact, I’m sure I saw a location around here somewh…what’s that? It closed? Huh.