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The Dirty Facts Of Life

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What is this?

Running Time:   105 minutes
Studio Name:   Pink Box Productions 
Categories: Fetish   Lesbian   Uniform   All Sex   Adult Humor   All Girl   Parody  
Description:   The girls of Eastwood School get scared when they suspect long time lesbian and den mother Mrs. Gariss of going straight after a visit by the plumber. Together they devise a plan to win her back to the gay side by seducing her. Throughout the day Mrs. Garris defends herself against their sexual advances in the name of good housekeeping. In the end, everyone wins in a triumphant orgy.
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Reviewer: Timothy Snarr Date: 1/17/2009
Source: Aebn

As the spate of porn industry spoofs hurtles toward critical mass, it becomes evident that even some of the most beloved shows in the history of television are not to be spared the ignominy of a porn-style redux. Not the Bradys XXX and Not Bewitched XXX are just two recent releases that speak ever so clearly to this point. Now, Pink Box Productions (A Cut Above; Painful Lessons) has thrown its jimmy hat into the ring with The Dirty Facts of Life, a loosely based adaptation of the 1980s TV comedy mainstay The Facts of Life.

For those too young to care or too old to remember, the original series was created as a spinoff from another successful comedy, Diff’rent Strokes. Set in a private, all-girls boarding school called Eastland, the show wrangled with some of the major issues facing adolescent teens: pregnancy, drug use, and date rape to name a few. Though these weekly dilemmas were packaged in rather drab comedic fare and dressed up in moral lessons, The Facts of Life consistently earned a Top 30 Nielsen rating during its nine-year network run. Of course, the setting also made the show a lesbian fantasy spoof in waiting. That wait is now over.

The Dirty Facts of Life retains the basic number of featured characters and a little bit of the campy humor found in the original, but that is pretty much where the similarities end. Gone is the catchy theme song. Gone is the middle-aged matriarch Mrs. Garrett. Gone are Natalie’s jowls, Tootie’s roller skates, Blair’s bitchiness, and Jo’s streetwise nature. What the original cast delivered in moral aptitude, the new cast - Miss Garris, Nippley, Pooty, Blanche, and Joan - dish out in raw, girl-on-girl lovemaking. But, it’s not exactly a bad trade off.

The plot of the film centers around the girls’ fear that a visit from the repairman has caused Miss Garris (Raquel Divine) to stray from her girlfriend Melanie (Lexi Bardot) and from her devout love of pussy. Each girl subsequently devises a plan to seduce Miss Garris in an effort to bring her back to what Blanche (Jordan Kingsley) calls “The Pink Side.” As you might guess, each plan is derailed by unforeseen circumstances. But, every scenario leads to a bit of hilarity followed by a steamy, residual lesbian encounter. What’s more is that, because the rules of the house do not allow vibrators, the girls are left to use only what nature gave them to get each other off. The result is an organic mix of naughty parts guaranteed to satisfy.

Scene two is the hottest of the bunch and is alone worth the price of admission. Nippley (Lindsey Meadows) has just failed in the girls’ first attempt to seduce Miss Garris. Puzzled as to why the plan did not work, Joan (Annabelle Lee) reviews Nippley’s technique only to cave in to temptation herself. Joan starts gently kissing Nippley’s backside. Nippley then strips Joan out of her uniform and begins to go down on her. She slides Joan’s panties aside, revealing a full, but nicely groomed bush. Nippley fingers herself as she works over Joan’s muff with her tongue, bringing the so-called tough girl nearly to tears. Joan takes over licking Nippley’s nipples until they’re rock hard. Then, she eats out her ass and licks her glistening snatch. All of it is just a prelude to perhaps the hottest moment in the film. As Nippley hunkers down on all fours, Joan slides underneath her, letting her tongue flutter in and out of Nippley’s pussy like a baseball card in bicycle spokes. While Joan feeds, Nippley uses her index fingers to fondle her own asshole. The action lasts for an extraordinarily long time, alternating wide shots with close-ups for an incredibly blissful fly-busting moment. Nippley and Joan then finish up with a hot 69, ending a truly amazing scene.

The problem with engrossing action like this is that it’s easy to overlook some of the important life lessons presented in the film. Luckily, this writer kept enough of his wits intact through all the masturbating, pussy licking and ass eating to hastily jot down a few of them.

SPOILER ALERT: The true meaning of life may or may not be contained in the following facts. Do not read these if you prefer to figure out life’s dirty little secrets on your own.

Dirty Fact of Life #1: Vibrators can’t be used to make clothes or twine and there is no scientific evidence that they prevent glaucoma, but banning them will not keep people from having sex.

Dirty Fact of Life #2: Within the context of a porn flick, however rare the occurrence, the term “huge tool” can actually refer to a socket wrench.

Dirty Fact of Life #3: “I think my roast is done,” whether accurate or not, is a poor excuse with which to opt out of enticing sex with a hot young girl. Ponder it a second time and it sounds even more ridiculous than originally thought.

Dirty Fact of Life #4: No matter how hot the girl or how revealing the outfit, any come-on involving dinner plates is just not sexy.

Dirty Fact of Life #5: Though they may seem fun and exhilarating, spontaneous orgies are probably not the best way to teach responsibility to young women.

Who says porn can’t be educational? There are other nuggets of wisdom one can glean from this film, but I’ll leave it to you to find them. Meanwhile, there’s a time you’ve got to go and show you’re growing, now you know about The Dirty Facts of Life. That time is now.

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5 Scenes from The Dirty Facts Of Life

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